Colorful Childhood

Many parents are struggling to enjoy their role as parents.

They often say they feel they have failed through their own mistakes. Most of the 'failures' are about ordinary daily events such as sleeping and eating and for toddlers, about listening to and carrying out simple instructions. Many recount how, through sheer exhaustion, they have just given in time and again and they are now reaping the sad rewards of their own making.

It is so easy to feel like a failure as a parent and so hard to remember that the early years are unbelievably testing times for all parents. We will all fail over and over, especially if we have set impossible standards for ourselves. Sadly, it is usually the parents who have the highest standards and ideals who feel they have let themselves down the most.

Tiredness means we often can't think clearly and again it is often the mothers who try their hardest to be the very best they can for their babies who end up overwhelmed by their children's demands. It is a rude awakening to discover that you have given all the power over to an infant under the age of one. Especially if you came from a cracking career where you were very responsible for a great deal and did it extremely well!!

Authoritative Parenting means taking charge of your parenting. With love!

Often I hear parents say - oh I just can't be consistent - I've tried and keep failing and so I just keep doing what I've done so far! I usually reply - (a la Dr Phil) and how's that working for you?

Being consistent and taking charge requires making a decision and sticking to it - surprisingly, it usually only takes a short time to change even some firmly embedded behaviour.

Parents need to create consistent boundaries and serve fair consequences to answer the question. Children learn about handling, and containing, and controlling their power in this way.

It's a sure and certain fact that the only person you can really be in charge of is yourself! So consistent parenting begins here.

From a parenting perspective, once you take charge of yourself, the run on effect to your children can be mind blowing! It's almost as if they feel deeply relieved to know they can trust you so they can just get on with the business of being children.

They are children and you are in charge of them. When they are little, they need you to be in charge of all decisions while they get on with the business of just being.

I frequently hear mothers say, my baby doesn't like - her high chair, the car seat, lying on the floor, sleeping in her crib, eating carrots etc. I usually ask them how they know that, and when they decided that the baby would be responsible for those decisions.

One young mum told me she was feeling desperately lonely as she had recently moved to a small country town, leaving all her friends and family about 30 minutes drive away. I replied that I really felt for her having no transport to visit them.
"Oh, no", she replied. "I have a car but my baby doesn't like the car seat so I can't go anywhere".
Her baby was 14 weeks old at the time.

You decide you need to go out in the car then they need to go in the car seat. If your child is distressed then look at a combination of factors to see what their triggers are, rather than deciding they don't like the car seat. Are they over tired? Over stimulated, hungry, thirsty, uncomfortable?

Take a deep breath and don't rush them. Be consistent and firm in your decision. Take charge! Nothing lasts for long in baby world and within a short time, the baby has moved on to another stage. It pays to take these things lightly.

I was asked to look after a nine month old girl for a stressed out mother who let her baby dictate. I remember taking that little one and holding her firmly, telling her that she had to spend the morning sleeping as she needed it and so did everyone else. With great precision I tucked her down and she went out like a light! She was still fast asleep when her mother arrived back several hours later. That baby needed someone to take charge!

Many parents get into the habit of asking their children questions before they act, for instance:
"Do you want to eat your lunch now?"
"Are you ready to go to bed yet?"
"Do you want to get dressed?"
"Would you like to go for a walk?"

Instead of asking questions like these, try making statements instead -

Children nowadays seem to be expected to know, understand and formulate answers to questions that are not for them to make - often young children respond with tantrums to these questions simply because they are frustrated by the amount of power they are expected to hold.

Teaching your children how to make complex choices when they are too young is asking for trouble. How can they possibly know the answer to,"Do you want to go out now?" Especially if you ask them this because they are fractious, bored or needing a change of scene. Children are ego centric and can only make decisions based on what they feel in the moment - they have no notion of the different consequences inherent in many of the decisions that are constantly asked to make.

How do you do that in real life?

Practice self awareness and pay attention.

It's so easy to drown and lose your self awareness in the busyness of parenthood. Self awareness is also about being aware of our feelings and our bodies - about being in the present moment - about self control, self esteem, self reliance and self respect and about functioning on an adult level emotionally. It is about you being the parent.

Get in touch with breathing!!

Deep, long breathes. This is the greatest way of becoming aware - just breathe and breathe - you will find that while you are breathing in you cannot speak and this often provides the valuable moment in which you find clarity in your thinking and therefore make a more peaceful decision.

Keep in touch with your emotions.

Have an awareness of your thoughts and feelings. See yourself as needing care and love - cherish, nurture and think about yourself lovingly, just as you do your children!