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Teaching Self-Control to Children
- written by Helen Williams, a family counsellor and parent educator from New Zealand
 Gaining self control over our own actions frees us to develop good self esteem and self respect. This is an important skill for all children to learn. If children always depend on others, especially their parents or siblings, to make choices for them, they do not learn how to control themselves. It follows therefore, that they will not take responsibility for the choices they make, as they tend to see those choices as others' choices, and not their own as they have no input or control over them.
How Do We Teach Self-Control:
Children learn about gaining self control from individuals who have gained self control for themselves.
A child's first teachers are his parents - it is their self control which is modeled and absorbed, and becomes the pattern and example to be emulated.
As you exhibit self control, your child is being taught how to experience control over his own feelings, choices and actions.
Toddlers tend to discover about self control through being asked to wait while adults are talking. Learning about not interrupting adult's conversations is often one of their first learnings in gaing self control.
They also become aware of having to take turns, and of needing to wait for what they want, instead of having it all right away.
It's important to be age appropriate in our expectations for their early learning, however, even very small children begin to learn that instant gratification is not always possible. Early learning of this, taught with love and care, will stand them in good stead.
How Do We Enable Young Children to Learn About Self-Control:
Teach your child to take a break or some timeout when they feel angry or frustrated as a means to gaining self control.
Teach your child how to wait during conversations by showing them how to listen while others are talking. Too often adults disregard children's conversation without realizing what they are mirroring to the child by their disregard.
Show them HOW to do this by demonstrating it yourself and using appropriate language to explain what you expect from them. For example, Please wait until I finish the next sentence and then it's your turn to talk.  Then make sure you listen while your child is talking.Children also need to learn the appropriate skills associated with the feelings of wanting something that they cannot have. These skills will enable gaining self control and tolerance towards others. Show your child that he has other choices around wanting something right now. Explain that he could: - Ask again later.
- Find something else to do instead.
- Wait until it's his turn.
Do talk about what that feels like and how difficult it is to be patient.
Praise your child for showing his gaining self control - even if he just barely manages it! It's a tough call for little ones - and a steep but valuable learning curve.
How to Help a Child Identify Feelings:
In order for children to gain self control when they are experiencing strong feelings in a situation, they need to know how to identify those feelings. It is never too early to talk to children about feelings or to help them see the link between their feelings and their behaviour. Linking feelings and behaviour together demonstrates clearly how feelings affect the choices we make, and it can also help children in gaining self-control.
Teach your children HOW:
1. To THINK about what happened.
2. To THINK of how they FEEL their feelings in their body.
3. To RECOGNIZE the feeling.
4. To SPEAK it out. I feel sad, mad, angry, happy, pleased, scared........
How to Help Your Children Verbalize:
Explain to your child that you like to talk about feelings and how our feelings can send us messages. These messages tell us how we feel about what is happening.
For example:
If something is funny you will feel happy and laugh.
If something is sad you might feel upset and cry.
Ask your child to talk about some examples of his own feelings - for example, Tell me about when you felt excited, and a time that you felt sad. What makes you feel upset? Ask them to tell you how they know.
In today's world where instant gratification appears to be the expectation, your child will be much better equipped in social situations if you have given opportunities to learn howto name, manage and control his feelings. Gaining and having control of himself creates greater self-esteem and a stronger self-image.
Quotes on Self Control:
Most powerful is he who has himself in his own power.
~ a Roman philosopher
Self-respect is the root of discipline: The sense of dignity grows with the ability to say no to oneself.
~ Abraham Joshua Heschel, The Insecurity of Freedom: Essays on Human Existence, 1967
The cyclone derives its powers from a calm center. So does a person.
~ Norman Vincent Peale
It is a man's own mind, not his enemy or foe, that lures him to evil ways.
~Buddha
About the Author:
Helen Williams is a family counsellor and parent educator from New Zealand currently living in Dubai, UAE, where she runs a busy practice called Counselling Dubai. As well as counselling clients, Helen runs regular Consistent Parenting and Becoming Authentic workshops. Helen has four children and is a proud grandmother and believes that being a consistent parent is both vitally important and totally necessary to ensure a happy family life. However, becoming a consistent parent is rather like trying to push water uphill if we are not consistent within our selves. Consistent Parenting Advice addresses HOW to adopt a firm, clear, consistent parenting approach, while enabling parents to enhance and increase their emotional well-being and become consistent themselves.
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